I am not used to my friend, Frank, acting in an apprehensive manner, so I asked him what the matter was. He replied that the women from his wife’s place of business were planning a night out at a strip club. This place had a “Freaky Friday” theme with female dancers on one side of the club and males on the other.
And that certainly freaked Frank out. Why? Let’s just say he was not pleased at the idea of his wife thrusting dollar bills down the thong of some guy named Ten Inch Ted.
Even worse, the ladies also wanted to see the female dancers too. Okay, so did Frank, but his pretty wife watching naked women dance while horny, drunk men watched with her? Not so much. Frank did not know what to do but fortunately yours truly had a fantastic idea.
A permission slip.
That’s right, if a bunch of horny women want their boyfriend and husbands to go along with their “harmless night out,” the guys get to place a few mild restrictions on their fun. So, without further adieu:
I, the undersigned boyfriend/husband, do agree that (woman’s name)____________________ is allowed to attend the field trip to the strip club on the date of ____________. The attendee understands the following guidelines and stipulations must be agreed upon and adhered to with all diligence.
1. Girlfriend/wife may not come back home and ask the boyfriend/husband why he does not:
a. Possess the body of a male stripper.
b. Wear thongs, chaps or other assorted “male dancer paraphernalia” while relaxing around the house.
c. Thrust his pelvis like ‘Dirk,’ ‘ Dark Shadow’ or ‘Long Dong.’
2. Girlfriend/wife must not consume sufficient quantities of alcohol so that:
- a. She decides a male dancer looks lonely on stage, should have a partner and she is just the gal to do the job.
- b. She believes working as a dancer at the strip club would be a great way to earn extra cash for that Xmas vacation in Hawaii.
- c. A coworker or neighbor of boyfriend/husband says anything even remotely resembling the following:
i. “That was a real sweet Youtube video of your girlfriend/wife at the strip club. Yeah, I shared it with my 1,356 friends on Facebook, plus all my contacts on Linkedin. Um, Isn’t your Dad on my list?”
ii. “I didn’t think they would arrest a woman for doing that.”
iii. “So, how much was bail?”
3. As a consequence for the undersigned boyfriend/husband’s extreme act of trust and general niceness, said girlfriend/wife shall, for the week following the field trip:
- a. Go out of her way to stroke boyfriend/husband’s ego – often.
- b. Liberally stretch boyfriend/husband’s ‘looking at other women’ allowance from zero to 3.6 milliseconds (not that he would ever want to do such a thing).
- c. Make absolutely no comments whatsoever when boyfriend/husband consumes four large chocolate Tastykake donuts and three beers for lunch while lounging on the couch, especially any remarks similar to “You know, while you are eating that crap, Dirk and Long Dong are pumping iron and drinking a spinach shake.”
- d. Since everyone knows the combination of alcohol and strip club lighting makes “things” look disproportionately bigger (when of course they are not), the girlfriend/wife shall absolutely refrain from using the terms “well endowed” or “that thing was HUGE!” or “biggest one I’ve ever seen!” when reminiscing about field trip with girlfriends around boyfriend/husband.
Understanding that gross violations of this signed agreement will result in extreme sulking from boyfriend/ husband in addition to “getting his knickers all in a twist,” the aforementioned girlfriend/wife agrees to comply with all conditions without negotiation and be nice.
Boyfriend/Husband of Strip Club Field Trip Attendee _______________________________